Author: James GK

Characters:

Naya:Super genius mad scientist and real life bond villain. She’s terrible.

Investor:Generic non-reoccurring character. Obvious “straight man.”

Filip: One of Naya’s Czechoslovakian lab assistants at CERN.

Naya has just finished her presentation for a group of investors, she stands holding a fish bowl in front of a poorly drawn picture of a whale hovering over what appears to be a city in ruins and has just opened the floor for questions/comments.

Investor: Well that was a very… illuminating presentation and I think I speak on behalf of perhaps MOST in attendance when I say(beat) I can not see any value in funding, producing, or distributing a quote (Consulting their notes) “Giant Flying Whale Monster.”

Naya: What? Why the fuck not? It’d be awesome.

Investor: Right. But what would it do?

Naya: You know… Fly around. Wrecking shit. (beat) At least until a ragtag group of adventurers took it down… Bastards.

Investor: I’m not interested.

Naya: What!? Is it because my one one-millionth scale model wouldn’t come out from it’s stupid castle.

Investor: I assure you that it had almost nothing to do with your fish.

Naya: (to the fish bowl) Dammit, Cleveland! I told you not to fuck me on this.

Investor: Look, you’ve wasted a lot of our time here. So let me save you some in return. No one would EVER fund you’re completely insane project.

Naya: Because gay?

Investor: Because you idea is fucking terrible! Christ! It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall. (Beat) Just do the whole world a favor and give up on your giant flying whale monster. Okay?

Naya: I’ll never give up. I’m a REAL scientist, Dammit! Did anyone tell Copernicus to give up?

Investor: Yes. Actually the catholic church imprisoned him.

Naya: (Ignoring them) No! Did anyone tell Harry Harlow to… “Give.” “Up.”

Investor: The monkey torture guy?

Naya: Not important! And did any one tell J. Robert Oppenheimer to give up?!

Investor: Yes! Even he… Especially he was against using the bomb.

Naya: Really? …Gay! (beat) Oh. Oh, I see whats going on here…

Investor: You’re completely insane and in dire need of anti-psychotic medication?

Naya: You all are jealous of my clear intellectual superiority and you’re all plotting to steal my idea! And then you you’ll take all the credit yourselves. Well played, assholes.

Investor: Oh good, paranoia. How refreshing.

Naya: Yeah, you thought you were all so clever. But now that I’m on to you, I’m gonna find my own independent funding. I’m going to crowd-source Cleveland 2 and when he’s fully operational, flying around wrecking shit! You can wipe that smug fucking face off your… Face! (Storms out.)

(Filip has been wanting outside. The door slams as Naya enters. The sound causes, Filip to look up from his book.)

Filip: So? How did it go?

Naya: Shut up, Filip, I don’t even want to skype right now!

Filip: I am…I’m here in person…(sigh)

End.

Characters:

Pat( Mid to late 20s, questionable employment, lax morals, perpetually high strung, hates banana flavored things.)

Brant( Jamba Juice employee, super chill, kinda a bro.)

Brant: (In a bored, clearly rehearsed tone ) Welcome to Jamba Juice, from the makers of Juumanga Jam, would you like to try the new Jahama Mama smoothie?

Pat: (Distracted, reading the menu) What? No. Uh… Hey! Do you guys have any smoothies that don’t have banana in it?

Brant: Is it an allergy or a preference?

Pat: Huh? I just don’t like banana and it seems like all the smoothies have banana in them.

Brant: Yeah.

Beat

Pat: So… Do any NOT have banana?

Brant: Probably.

Beat

Pat: Such as…?

Brant: Hm?

Beat

Pat: (sigh) Fine! Let’s try this. What’s in the “Taste of the Tropics” smoothie?

Brant: Coconut, Pineapple, and Banana.

Pat: And the “Live Well Live Now” smoothie?

Brant: Assorted wild berries, lemon grass, added protein, and Banana.

Pat: And the “Citrus Blend?”

Brant: Lemon, Lime, Orange, and Banana.

Pat: Why the hell does the Citrus Blend have banana in it?

Brant: Because it’s a blend of all four citrus fruits…

Pat: Banana is NOT a citrus fruit!

Brant: Sure it is. Lemon, lime, orange and…

Pat: Grapefruit.

Brant: Banana. Huh?

Pat: Grapefruit. Grapefruit is the fourth citrus fruit.

Brant: That sounds fake.

Pat: Okay… How about the “Dream-Team?”

Brant: That’s pretty much just banana.

Pat: Then why’s it called a TEAM? Nevermind! The “Very Cherry” smoothie?

Brant: Cherry and banana.

Pat: The “Olde Timer?”

Brant: Root-beer and banana.

Pat: “Over the moon?”

Brant: The space ship is a banana and the moon is two bananas.

Pat: GAH! Isn’t there anything I can buy?!

Brant: Well… There is one thing…

Pat: Please! What is it? You know what? I don’t care. I’ll take one. Fuck it! I’ll take two.

Brant: Okay… Two Chocolate-Banana smoothies…

Pat: I need you to be straight with me(reading Brant’s name tag) Brant? Does the Choc-o-late Ba-nan-a smoothie contain banana?

Brant: I don’t know. I’ve never had it.

End.